It’s very easy to compare ourselves to others in order to gauge our own lives. Like Karen, I often find myself looking at how other parents juggle their careers, family commitments, and passions. Then I get nervous that I’m doing something wrong. It’s times like these that I have to force myself to stop the comparisons, for several good reasons.
If you often find yourself lacking, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

Constantly judging your achievements against successful superstars often leads to low self-esteem. In life, there is always going to be someone subjectively “doing better” than you, and if you judge yourself by those standards, you’re never going to feel good about yourself. This can lead into a downward spiral of giving up on goals because you feel you can never measure up.
If you usually feel superior to others, you’re ignoring areas that you could improve on.

You might think that comparing yourself to people who are “beneath you” will help you achieve goals. While it may help your self-esteem, people who belittle others often become too egotistical. I’ve seen this played out again and again with start-up video game companies. Whenever faced with genuine criticism of their games – whether that be from customers or developer peers – they lash out that people just “don’t understand the vision” of their game. In the same breath, they don’t understand why their game doesn’t sell. In order to improve in a skill, you have to be able to take critical feedback and turn it into something you can use to improve yourself. This gets lost if you think you’re better than everyone else.
Comparisons don’t take into account our differences.

Ultimately, comparisons generally don’t take into account the many differences individuals may encounter. First, the successfu” person is often portrayed as an overnight sensation when, in fact, this almost never happens. Successful people work hard, and their setbacks are rarely celebrated. This makes the successful person appear lucky when they are not. Second, there are no true one-to-one comparisons. People will encounter different obstacles on their path to success, and you can’t truly judge your own worth by looking at someone leading a completely different life than your own.
The only real measurement of success is yours.

Ultimately, success isn’t about someone else’s life. It’s about your life and your outlook about it. For example, let’s say you are an aspiring children’s author, and your book gets picked up by a local press. That, in turn, gets you more writing gigs and you eventually make a decent living in your region. If you compared your body of work to Dr. Seuss in terms of profitability and fame, you would appear wanting. But making any living out of writing children’s books is nothing to sneeze at. Letting go of comparisons can help you define success for yourself.

If I were to compare myself to Karen, she would blow me out of the water in many ways. Since the day we graduated together, she has gone on to have a more high profile career. She always has and still does run circles around my modest exercise routine. And she’s managed to do this while having a family. But my life is not hers, and I would not want to compare myself to her. We have found our own paths, each with its own merits. I’m happy for her, and I hope by sharing this article, she can become a little happier about her life without all the comparisons.

Something had to give and it did —my health. An auto-immune disease I’d kept in check for years reappeared. Who could be surprised given that my sleep, nutrition, leisure and social connections had all suffered?

I remember dashing between my desk and the printer actually wincing from pain. It was like my body was screaming at me to wake up to myself.

It was only the shock resignation of a close work friend that finally snapped me to my senses.

I quit and did some contract work while I pondered my future. I restored a healthy lifestyle and recovered. In as much as it was a confronting and painful time of uncertainty, it also set me up for a better, healthier future.
10 Common Stress Reactions That Only Make Things Worse

I was lucky to have leapt out of the hot water after a risky period of coping.

But we have all witnessed others who were not so lucky (or perhaps you yourself have come to harm). People go on to suffer anxiety and depression, lose careers and relationships, or succumb to addictions and other destructive behaviors.

What kind of copingstopped them (or you) from leaping out of harm’s way? Which of these 10 reactions fostered a dangerous tolerance for stress?

1. Minimizing —you tell yourself and others it’s “no biggie.”

You downplay your difficulties, forever pointing at someone who is worse off. You dismiss your challenges saying, “It is what it is.” Your feelings are suppressed, nothing changes, and the pressure within you continues to build.

What to do instead: Dare to acknowledge that thing’s aren’t great, and that it’s human to have feelings about that.

2. Distraction —you look everywhere except at your issues

Filling every moment of every day is easier than ever. You can squeeze out any doubt or niggling aspects of your life. You keep your head down and don’t stop. Problems fester but work, kids, social media and endless apps mean never having to feel anything much at all.

What to do instead: Take the difficult step to schedule time to tune in…journaling, meditation, catching up with a sensible friend. You need a regular activity that involves stopping and setting devices aside.

3. Numbing —you use or abuse a substance or behavior which numbs bad feelings

Tired…bored…disgruntled? No problem. Any pain or discomfort can be quelled. Any mood lifted or calmed. You can reach for a caffeinated or alcoholic drink, prescription or party drugs. Gaming, shopping and eating offer an immediate “fix”for stress (but unfortunately they are also a significant source of it).

What to do instead: Choose healthy activities that promote good feelings,and that build your awareness and tolerance for more challenging sensations (e.g., walking, martial arts or yoga).

4. Wallowing —you opt for a pity party to get some relief, but get stuck there

Venting emotion can alleviate anguish. That’s good if it provides impetus to constructively respond to issues. However, take care not to settle for a difficult situation and wear the stress as a badge of honor.

What to do instead: Choose a venting partner with a healthy and realistic perspective.

5. Denial —you cannot admit there is adversity in your life

We may be adept at recognizing denial in others, but it is harder to notice in ourselves. Warning signs include adopting an absolute positive mantra —like “it’s all good”—when things are bad.

What to do instead: Wherever possible, own up to what’s challenging right now and strike a balance between positive and negative. “Mum’s not well but we’re trying to make the best of it.”Or, “Business is tough; I have good and bad days.”

6. Isolation —you struggle to ask for and to receive support, preferring to tough it out alone

Independence can be a strength, but if it is driven by a fear of burdening others, or of being vulnerable in their presence, be wary of it.

Withdrawal is a symptom of stress and depression. Don’t give in to it.

What to do instead: Choose less demanding people or situations, but stay socially active —let those close to you know you’re not at your best and that you need them to push you.

7. Acting invincible —you say, “Bring it on!”

Being under the pump gives you a buzz. Adrenaline is addictive. And feeling invincible is more alluring than feeling vulnerable.
You derive satisfaction from working, training, doing everything harder, longer, faster. But at what cost? Where do you draw the line? Are you even able to draw a line?

What to do instead: Schedule commitments that force you to stop your busyness at a set time—a long weekend, a dinner date, a massage.

8. Self-blame —you feel certain that you have brought this on yourself

This reaction is often fostered in childhood. You get told, “Cheer up, stop making a fuss, what’s the matter with you?”This provides a solid grounding in self-recrimination.

You believe you should cope better. You admonish yourself for seeing the glass as half empty, and all the while add to your stress.

What to do instead: Remind yourself that stress and stress symptoms are real and universal. Picture how you would respond to a friend in your shoes and try showing yourself the same compassion.

9. Striving —“never say die”is your motto

You struggle to say “no”or to ever cut corners. The risk of not delivering is ever-present and an enormous strain. Being the go-to person feels good, but always saying “yes”is not sustainable.

The perfectionist whose high standards are a crutch for feeling in control is especially at risk of worsening stress in this way.

What to do instead: Seek out opportunities to say “no,” or to try out lowering your standards. These are new muscles you need to flex and strengthen.

10. Overthinking —you try to think your way out of uncertainty and ambiguity

Change and unpredictability are stressful and anxiety provoking. You want answers and you want to be able to make decisions. Being stuck in the unknown is unbearable for you. Your head goes into overdrive, trying to think your way out of there.

Do take pride in your intellect and analytical skills, but beware, no amount of thinking can turn grey into black-and-white.
Constantly thinking things through and rehearsing in your mind can lead to rumination and obsession.

What to do instead: Learn to catch yourself overthinking. Let yourself write down your thoughts once, or set a five-minute time limit. Employ healthy distractions or a trusted friend to help you be vigilant in catching and stopping yourself.

So what will you do instead?

Don’t be a champion at taking stress in your stride, like I was.

Because coping just deepens the rut.

Take a moment now to picture the last time you were stressed and notice how you responded —do you recognize any of the strategies above?

If so visualize doing something different instead.

And when stress visits you again, be ready to try your new way.

Dare and commit —feel the heat of stress and respond with new awareness.

It’s time to make things better, not worse.

I am a reforming perfectionist, reforming being the key word. Change in our relationships with ourselves is a process. It requires vulnerability, acceptance, and compassion.

I’ve gone through phases of comparing myself to others and discounting my own good qualities. I’ve experienced the restlessness that comes with never feeling good enough. I have developed my own love/hate relationship with control and certainty.

It has not always been easy to look at this part of myself. Any of us may have that place within that we would rather not see. We wish to hide it for fear of rejection and disconnection, or we may wish to deny it to avoid the discomfort that comes with acknowledgment. It is hard to see ourselves clearly from this position. This is when the “good enoughs” and “shoulds” may be most persuasive.

Long before I understood my relationship with myself, I was aware of the exceptions to these feelings. I enjoyed the brief moments of separation from my thoughts and judgments. In those moments, I could appreciate me.

Time with nature has always helped me find my center. An act as simple as sitting in the backyard could provide me with peace. Even while moving, I find that nature encourages stillness within.

The sky, stars, and trees have a great deal to teach us if we are ready to learn.

“You are the sky. Everything else is just the weather.” – PemaChodron

As I mentioned, any of us can become identified with problems, emotions, and thoughts. We can be attached to what was or what should be. I’ve certainly been there.

The sky and its changing faces teach us about resilience and acceptance. The sky can teach us that most things in life are temporary.

We are not shattered by life’s obstacles any more than the sky is shattered by thunder and lightning. We are not washed away by tears any more than the sky is washed away by rain. Our emotions are no more permanent than the wind.

Even after the brightest days, the sky must also see the dark of night. We, too, must learn that both the good and bad shall pass.

Isn’t it liberating to know that are like the sky?

We can remain, stable and expansive, accepting of both the ups and downs in life. We can find peace, even in times of disorder. We can accept the present moment knowing that change is on its way.

“The sky is filled with stars, invisible by day.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Sometimes, we overlook what is good. Positive events can be overshadowed by troubles. Close friendships may be invisible in times of conflict. Our own value seems to fade with comparison and competition.

The stars can be like this. Have you ever noticed what happens to the stars away from the bright city lights? They are luminous. They are everywhere. It seems that they have just appeared, but the stars had really been there all along. They were just covered up.

Now ask yourself, when was the last time you actively noticed the stars? It can be easy go about our evenings and never look up. The stars are always there waiting to be revealed, but we must also remember to look for them.

In this way, the stars teach us about gratitude and self-compassion. They teach us that many good things have been there all along, even if we can’t see them.

It is important for us to first remember that like the stars, our strengths, close relationships, and positive moments are there even when they seem invisible. We must then remember to look. Appreciation is not always automatic, and kindness toward ourselves may not be routine. We can, however, learn.

What are your stars, and what may conceal them? What can you change to see them more clearly?

“I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of roses under my cypresses.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

For me, perfectionism has everything to do with vulnerability. We may fear that allowing for imperfection will result in failure. We may perceive embracing our imperfections as giving up. We can tell ourselves that allowing someone else to really see us could lead to rejection.

The forest can teach us about vulnerability and relationships. Within the forest reside creatures, many of whom are hidden in dark spaces. There are shadows in the forest. There are trails to unknown destinations.

There are also clearings, brooks, and flowers in the forest. In the forest, one might hear birdsong or happen upon a majestic view.

We could avoid the forest to stay safe and avoid getting lost, but at what cost?

Like the darkness of a forest, we may all fear that secret place within ourselves that we see as unsafe, unknowable, and unlovable. We avoid looking altogether. We may disguise, suppress, and bury.

We might similarly resist vulnerability in relationships. We hold ourselves back and close ourselves off. We do this because allowing others in leaves us vulnerable.

As with the forest, entering that uncertain territory holds risks but also abundant rewards. When we stop hiding, we can truly know ourselves. When we are vulnerable with others, we can also find true connection. Only then can we reveal the good within us and appreciate the good in others.

For me, nature has allowed me to find a center and teaches me about my relationship with myself and others. What are your experiences with perfectionism, gratitude, compassion, and the like? Where do you find your center?